There's a lot that has been going through my mind lately about myself and my gender.
Not too long ago, I was happy for the most part with my body. I was born female, for those of you who haven't figured that out already. For the most part, I just assumed I was a tomboy. Growing up, I was never really into overly girly clothes and makeup. I always kept things neutral. Sure, I had my girly interests, but my day to day was more of a tomboy kind of thing. From time to time, I felt uncomfortable in my own body, but I always chalked it up to puberty-related awkwardness.
However, I always have been uncomfortable with my boobs. When they were a lot smaller than they are now, it was easier to deal with. Throw on a tight sports bra and it felt like they weren't there anymore. Happy Jonah, happy life. As the years went on, my boobs got bigger - a lot bigger. Suddenly, instead of just one sports bra, I was having to wear two to even work out.
Cue dysphoria.
Recently, within the past two years or so, I have come to realize that I really don't identify as a woman. I don't identify as a man either. It's not that I'm both, I'm either neither or in some dark corner of the gender spectrum that nobody but myself has found. Basically what I'm trying to say is that my gender is something I'm really not sure about. That's something that's really hard for me because I'm typically a Type A who likes labels and neat little boxes for things to fit into. It's almost as if my label maker is broken and I don't have the right size or shape of box to put my gender into.
Having large boobs doesn't help with this. On days that I feel more masculine, like today, I want to cry because my whole entire body just feels wrong. One of the few ways I can describe it to people is feeling like you want to puke, but you can't. Every time I feel my boobs shift, bump up against something, or just feel heavy, I'm reminded that my body isn't right. The gender that I feel like isn't what my body looks like. And that hurts - BADLY. On my man days, I usually become so depressed and angry with myself that I lash out at others. It's not ok. If I can't bind and put on my boy clothes right at that moment (which helps with my dysphoria), I start to feel like I want to rip my boobs from my chest and my brain from my skull. It literally drives me crazy. I hate myself and I hate my boobs because I can't feel comfortable in my own skin.
Guess what, though. My female days are fantastic. It's like, "Hey girl, show off those tits!" Lower cut tops, actual Victoria's Secret bras, make up, dresses, cute flats. I'm SO down for all of that! I finally feel ok in my own body. I live for my super girly days because I don't get to look in the mirror and hate myself and my body. Instead, I look in the mirror and think to myself "you sexy bitch". (Ok so I'm a little vain on those days, but I spend the rest of my time wanting to die because of my appearance, so I guess it balances out).
What is comes down to is that I wish I had smaller boobs again. I don't think full top surgery would be in my best interest because I do have girly days where I want to be as feminine as possible. I wouldn't want to go whole hog and end up having reverse dysphoric issues where I cry because I don't have enough boobs.
I've thought about getting breast reduction surgery, but I'm scared of people in my family that don't understand asking me why I'm getting this done. I'm scared of people finding out that I'm genderqueer at all. Well, at least people that I know in person. I seem to be a little bit braver over the Internet. Ah, the power of the keyboard! At least I have some outlet to talk about all of this.
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