Dysphoric Days

Hey people!
There's a lot that has been going through my mind lately about myself and my gender.

Not too long ago, I was happy for the most part with my body.  I was born female, for those of you who haven't figured that out already.  For the most part, I just assumed I was a tomboy.  Growing up, I was never really into overly girly clothes and makeup.  I always kept things neutral.  Sure, I had my girly interests, but my day to day was more of a tomboy kind of thing.  From time to time, I felt uncomfortable in my own body, but I always chalked it up to puberty-related awkwardness.

However, I always have been uncomfortable with my boobs.  When they were a lot smaller than they are now, it was easier to deal with.  Throw on a tight sports bra and it felt like they weren't there anymore.  Happy Jonah, happy life.  As the years went on, my boobs got bigger - a lot bigger.  Suddenly, instead of just one sports bra, I was having to wear two to even work out.

Cue dysphoria.

Recently, within the past two years or so, I have come to realize that I really don't identify as a woman.  I don't identify as a man either.  It's not that I'm both, I'm either neither or in some dark corner of the gender spectrum that nobody but myself has found.  Basically what I'm trying to say is that my gender is something I'm really not sure about.  That's something that's really hard for me because I'm typically a Type A who likes labels and neat little boxes for things to fit into.  It's almost as if my label maker is broken and I don't have the right size or shape of box to put my gender into.

Having large boobs doesn't help with this.  On days that I feel more masculine, like today, I want to cry because my whole entire body just feels wrong.  One of the few ways I can describe it to people is feeling like you want to puke, but you can't.  Every time I feel my boobs shift, bump up against something, or just feel heavy, I'm reminded that my body isn't right.  The gender that I feel like isn't what my body looks like.  And that hurts - BADLY.  On my man days, I usually become so depressed and angry with myself that I lash out at others.  It's not ok.  If I can't bind and put on my boy clothes right at that moment (which helps with my dysphoria), I start to feel like I want to rip my boobs from my chest and my brain from my skull.  It literally drives me crazy.  I hate myself and I hate my boobs because I can't feel comfortable in my own skin.

Guess what, though.  My female days are fantastic.  It's like, "Hey girl, show off those tits!"  Lower cut tops, actual Victoria's Secret bras, make up, dresses, cute flats.  I'm SO down for all of that!  I finally feel ok in my own body.  I live for my super girly days because I don't get to look in the mirror and hate myself and my body.  Instead, I look in the mirror and think to myself "you sexy bitch".  (Ok so I'm a little vain on those days, but I spend the rest of my time wanting to die because of my appearance, so I guess it balances out).

What is comes down to is that I wish I had smaller boobs again.  I don't think full top surgery would be in my best interest because I do have girly days where I want to be as feminine as possible.  I wouldn't want to go whole hog and end up having reverse dysphoric issues where I cry because I don't have enough boobs.

I've thought about getting breast reduction surgery, but I'm scared of people in my family that don't understand asking me why I'm getting this done.  I'm scared of people finding out that I'm genderqueer at all.  Well, at least people that I know in person.  I seem to be a little bit braver over the Internet.  Ah, the power of the keyboard!  At least I have some outlet to talk about all of this.

I Work in Hell Sometimes

Last night was one of the roughest nights I've had in awhile.  I'm not talking about emotionally, but mentally and physically it was like a marathon with no perceived finish line.  I'm a nurse, and I usually work 12 hour shifts from 6pm to 6am on the weekends.  Overnights are tough as it is, but I'm slowly becoming accustomed to the work.  Although, I have to admit, twelve hours is my limit.  I start dragging that last half hour and struggle getting home.

Last night I worked just over 15 hours.  UNPLANNED.

As a nurse, it's part of the job that you have to stay on shift and wait until your relief gets there.  You cannot abandon your patients, it's just unethical.  Well, my relief had the balls to pull a no-call no-show.  So there I was, at 6am on a Saturday, STUCK AT WORK.  And no one bothered to answer the damn phone.  I ended up waiting almost another 3 and a half hours for someone to finally show up to relieve me.  Those last three and a half hours were beyond difficult, and not because I was starting to fall asleep on the job either.  No, this morning just about everyone decided to either have a seizure or code.  Some idiot must have said the Q word.  So here I am, with no help since everyone else was busy, trying to control my assigned patients and not let anyone die on my watch.  Thank God I was successful.  No one died.  Yay....

This girl that ended up showing up was supposed to be on medical leave.  I swear.... this girl is my favorite coworker.  I felt so bad for her because she had surgery only a few days prior.  But none of the pool staff wanted to answer the phone.  I felt bad for my boss, because she ended up scrambling as well.

The worst part.... I'm back at work and we have no idea who is going to show up in the morning.  Again.

I need to find a new job.  This is not how a business should be run.

Gender Unicorns?

Well this is the post I have been putting off for awhile to be honest.  I'm not sure it's because I'm scared of finally talking about this stuff out in the open, or I don't know how to talk about it, or how it will be received, or a combination of the above.  Would it be better to just come out with a statement and then discuss it, or resort to my usual anecdotal antics?  Maybe it would be better to do something different since I'm talking about something different.

Guys, I'm genderfluid/genderqueer.

Basically, I have boy days and I have girl days.  It's not a split personality thing.  It's more of a dysphoria thing (for me at least).  For those of you reading that aren't well versed in the whole alternative gender thing, let me try to back up and explain exactly what gender fluidity is and the myth of the gender binary.

Traditionally, gender has been seen as a coin with two sides.  You are born either a girl or a boy and that's what your gender was.  Amen. End of story.

WRONG!!!!!!!!

There have been a plethora of different studies that have come out that show the parts you were born with don't necessarily define your gender.  For most people, their gender identity matches up with the biological parts that they have.  The term  for that is called cisgender.  Lucky bastards.

For the rest of us, where there's some sort of weird mismatch or misalignment, things get a little wonky.

Most people reading this blog are well aware of the term transgender, or transsexual.  Basically, these are people who identify with the opposite gender of the parts that they were born with.  Usually they end up transitioning their bodies to match the gender that they truly identify with.

I'm not transgender.  Well, at least I'm pretty sure I'm not.

So here's the crazy part.  There aren't just two genders, two options, and "either, or" kind of thing.  Nope.  Life is not that simple, aimgos.  No.

Besides the cisgenders and the transgenders, there are the genderqueer.  Yep, you read that right.  QUEER.

We are the magical fucking unicorns of gender.  Because, NEWSFLASH.....

GENDER IS NOT BINARY!!!  

GENDER IS A FREAKING RAINBOW SPECTRUM OF WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!!!

(Well at least, that's what it feels like to me because it gets confusing from time to time.)

And to make matters even crazier, "genderqueer" is actually an umbrella term for people that fit somewhere into the middle of the gender spectrum.  There are gender fluid people, like myself, that kinda bounce in between genders depending on the day.  There are people who identify are a third gender.  There are even people who are all like "fuck this whole gender thing" and identify as gender neutral.

It's really just a big game of Guess Who.

..... And my struggle of trying to figure out who I am is starting to finally wind down.  I think I finally figured that out.  But that's for the next post.  Stay tuned, kids!

Catch up, slowpokes!

Hey guys!

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit things have gone postal around here.  Quick sum-up.

I got in a car accident.  Nothing major, I sneezed and accelerated into someone's back bumper.  I messed up my back a little bit, but all's well that ends well.

I got cut down on my shifts at work - due to my back and my boss was also worried that I was "too tired" because I had bags under my eyes.  Thanks.... just an FYI, I was born with them.  I'm not tired, that's literally just my face.  Thanks for caring??
(Looks like I'm going to need to get a second job - which means trying to impress people, something I SUCK at.  Yay.)

The girlfriend and I are fighting apparently.  I have no clue why.  When I find out, I will let you guys know.  Until then, "I'm sorry" seems to be working just fine-ish???

School:  the never-ending project because I like to abuse my brain.  It starts in two weeks.  Let the games begin.

Family: WE HAVE GOTTEN RID OF THE PLAGUE!!!!  Side note, I'm obsessively deep cleaning the house every week now.

Oh!  I got my first written warning ever from a cop!  I really need to get my headlight fixed.  Oops..... Anyone want to donate to rehabbing the chariot of fire?

Well that's pretty much it!  Deeper post next time, I swear. 

Next up:  Gender issues.  Again.  Am I a boy?  Am I a girl?  Am I a unicorn?